A few words about my best friend...
It is hard to describe - we have only known each other two or so years. We became SCAR sisters first. At some point, we started working together to help promote The SCAR Project - both of us passionate about its value and ability to change the world, wanting every person to have the opportunity to view its profound beauty. And then the beginning of our own passion project - FLAT & fabulous.
At any point of any day, I would message her or she would message me. We might bounce ideas off each other, we might release some of the stress about what was going on. Sometimes we would just be goofy and talk about nothing in particular.
There is so much about my best friend I will never know. We never had the luxury of meeting up for weekly coffee or lunch. We never had sleepovers where we stayed up all night and giggled and talked about dreams.
But we did that in our own introverted ways. She knew the demons I was wrestling, what I hoped to someday achieve...and I knew hers. And there were lots of laughs...we both would do anything for a "lol" and we loved trying to out shock the other.
The crazy thing - it worked. We are both hot tempered Italians...so we knew to give each other the space to go off about a situation and not take it personally. We turned it into an opportunity to throw around some f*bombs. She had my back at all times - and she reminded me constantly just you and me she'd say f* the rest! We also understood if the other was quiet for a week or two...life happens, sometimes we needed the space to digest before being able to talk about it.
As I have worked these last six weeks on accomplishing what we had only dreamed of in a "maybe someday" kind of way, I am constantly reminded of my partner not being by my side. My heart breaks a million different ways because I feel the loss and it is breathtaking - sometimes panic inducing...I am terrified. For FLAT & fabulous, I don't know how to work around losing the best partner I could have been blessed with. On a personal level, my appreciation and understanding of who she was and the impact our friendship has had on my life is even more profound than it already was. I have learned it is best to just acknowledge the pieces of my heart falling apart, gather them at the end of my day, and wake up in the morning with a renewed determination to keep on. I have heard her often in my head pushing me stop analyzing it - just do it...reassuring me just you and me. That voice...those faces...
I don't believe in regret...I will say there are things I wish had happened differently...I wish we would have spent more physical time together. I wish I would have pushed harder for her story in her words. I wish I would have been more vocal about the ways in which she blessed my life by choosing to be in it. I know she knew...just like I know she felt the same. The reality is we tried, we both knew the other was trying...I just wish the stars had aligned a little better. I wish I could have made good on her promise that our last visit wasn't going to be the last.
I know part of me refuses to accept the reality. The moments of realization are happening more frequently but I am willfully losing myself in the work that needs to be done. It is difficult to explain how it feels - and I feel bad when I say I feel so alone. My family is with me...they haven't gone anywhere, except maybe closer as they see me struggling. I have others who have graciously stepped up and helped me sort through the piles as I strive to at least come crashing in at the finish line. It just isn't the same and I desperately wish she was able to be by my side as we launch something beautiful from what we thought was going to be something small and unnoticed - and still chose to pour our hearts and souls into it. In a way, I looked forward to her moving on so she can truly realize what has been accomplished and truly understand it would have never happened if not for her. One of the last conversations we had, I tried telling her that and she dismissed me saying she didn't do much and it was always me. It wasn't and I know now that she is looking at everything we have done and can finally realize it - it was both of us, you were my partner and I will never forget that, my bfffff.
I hope FLAT & fabulous continues changing the lives of women who thought they were alone. I never thought I was the only one, I just thought I was in an extreme minority. However, as an individual, I often felt I was on the outside looking in - my friendship with Barbie changed that. All of sudden, I wasn't the only one outside and we were having a blast and couldn't care less if we remained the only ones.
If you feel as though FLAT & fabulous has helped you or has changed you, please know - it is truly because of a beautiful person, my best friend. Without her dedication, love and friendship, there is no way we would have come this far.
I appreciate all the love, the prayers, the support and healing energy the world sent her in her last weeks. I personally got to sit and read one of the many beautiful articles. She was amazed - she still had that unwaivering confidence and she was proud.
I am forever thankful for that last visit and the last conversation I had with her. We talked about the future and, as she always did, she told me to do it, don't waiver, keep on. I know that as I continue to expand FLAT & fabulous, she will be by my side, in my heart and forever on my mind.
I love you so much, Barbie - I am so honored to have been your partner and, most of all, have the privilege of calling you my best friend.
Barbie came up with this one - she called me her bff and I told her it was missing a few f's...we kept adding on until we got to BFFFFF